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mood swings...

  • Dec. 2nd, 2008 at 10:17 PM

...suck.  One minute I'm super happy and then someone says something to me and I go into depression mode.  I find that I can't be happy for other people's successes anymore.  I have always prided myself on being very sensitive to other people's feelings before my own, but lately it's harder to even give a damn.  I kind of wish that I could seclude myself for a few weeks and just get away from people in general.  Maybe I'm just tired, but I've never really felt this pissy before and it kind of scares me.  :(
  • Location:home
  • Mood:on emotional lockdown
  • Music:love lockdown

october 3, 2008

  • Oct. 3rd, 2008 at 11:17 PM

Okay.  Squash what I said two days ago.  I no longer give a shit about Alexander Stokowski because I figured out what it is about him.  He's a player.  I used to think he was a good guy.  I used to think he was the guy that wanted every girl to know that she mattered.  I used to think he was the American dream guy next door.  I used think he was everything I wanted.  I thought this all through my junior year, I thought this throught the summer, and I thought that during my senior up until a day ago.  Then I found out a few secrets about him and I realized how big of a fool I was. 
Now he's not a good guy.  Now he's not the guy that wants every girl to feel like she matters.  Now he's not the American dream guy next door.  Now he's not everything I want.  He's just the ultimate player.  He doesn't know how lucky he was to have a girl like me be interested in him, and he never will again.  This player just lost the best game of his life.  Good luck next time, Playboy.

Signed: I Once Was Blind, But Now I See

stereotypical teenager

  • Oct. 1st, 2008 at 10:47 PM

That's what I am.  I know this is just a crush, but I really like him.  Ten years down the road I probably won't even remember his name, but right now he is the person I look forward to seeing everyday.  When he's not there, it's like a cloud comes over and blocks my happiness.  I hate sounding so cheesy, but it's true.  Today when our legs touched, I think I stopped breathing.  Literally.  Ever since homecoming he has been paying alot more attention to me.  It also doesn't hurt that he told me that I'm sexy.  NO boy has ever told me that before and actually meant it.  There's something about Alexander Stokowski, and I intend to figure out what that something is. 

signed, your stereotypical teenager ;)

LOOKING TO THE FUTURE, CAN'T FORGET THE PAST

  • Jun. 18th, 2008 at 11:52 PM

I don't know about everyone else, but I have truly been thinking about my future lately.  I truly cannot believe I will be a senior next year.  I know some people feel that the future will wait and that today is what's important, but at this point in life it seems more crucial than ever to look ahead.  I'm becoming more and more anxious as time passes by because I'm worried that I'm not seizing every opportunity to further my future.  I have big goals and dreams for myself and I have a major fear that I will fail my family and most importantly myself.  However, with looking forward I can't help but look back at what has created my lofty aspirations and especially who has made me become the person I am today.  Most of what I am I received from my family.  My grandpa always told me, "I believe you'll do greater things than you can imagine Ash."  When he was dying he told me that he couldn't stand the fact that he wouldn't get to see me grow up and become the person that he always knew I would be.  Now I use his words to motivate me to be better than myself.  My mom has also influenced me.  Our relationship hasn't always been the strongest, but she's my best friend now and forever.  Having a mom like her has taught me tolerance and independence, life skills that I would be helpless without.  Knowing that I have her behind me when I need her makes me less timid about moving forward.  I started packing up some of my things last week to save some time in the future (don't flip and tell me I'm ridiculous......it's just BOOKS) and when I put the lid on the container I finally realized that no matter what my future holds, I can handle it. 
  • Location:home
  • Mood: okay

GOOD TIMES FORGOTTEN

  • Jun. 18th, 2008 at 10:52 PM

6 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT...... (COMPOSE BY US ON JULY 23, 2006 BECAUSE WE ALL LOVE EACH OTHER)

~ABI~
1.)  I love that Abi is a bibliophile.
2.)  I love Abi's violin-playing skills.
3.)  I love Abi's ability to take things seriously when needed.
4.)  I love Abi's fearlessness with animals. 
5.)  I love that Abi is cool/smooth.
6.)  I love that Abi is cute but doesn't know it.
**BONUS: We all love Abi's accent and general British-ness.

~ASHLIE~
1.)  I love that Ashlie is southern.
2.)  I love that Ashlie is outgoing.
3.)  I love Ashlie's laugh.
4.)  I love Ashlie's skankiness and class.
5.)  I love Ashlie's domineering personality.
6.)  I love how open Ashlie is with enviting us everywhere.
**BONUS: We all love Ashlie's voice.

~BETSY~
1.)  I love Betsy's sense of humor.
2,)  I love Betsy's skankiness.
3.)  I love Betsy's dancing.
4.)  I love Betsy's band-geek-ness.
5.)  I love Betsy's stories.
6.)  I love Betsy's knowledge of obscure things.
**BONUS: We all love Betsy's calves of steeeeeeeeeeeeeel.

~BRIANNA~
1.)  I love Brianna's open heart.  
2.)  I love Brianna's devotion to life.
3.)  I love that Brianna is always in a good mood/perky.
4.)  I love that Brianna always listens.
5.)  I love Brianna's kindness and magically ability to make other people be nice.
6.)  I love how she cares so much about others' feelings.
BONUS: We all love Brianna's musical abilities.

~BROOKE~
1.)  I love Brooke's voice.  
2.)  I love Brooke's teeth.
3.)  I love Brooke's general cuteness.
4.)  I love how Brooke is calm and easy-going.
5.)  I love Brooke's prepiness.
6.)  I love how Brooke always supports us.
BONUS: We all love Brooke's dancing.

~LAURA~
1.)  I love how Laura doesn't care what other people think.  
2.)  I love Laura's endless hunger.
3.)  I love Laura's love for animals.
4.)  I love Laura's openess about who she is.
5.)  I love Laura's hair.
6.)  I love how Laura can savor every moment she spends with us.
BONUS: We all love Laura's friendliness and inability to be just plain mean.

~MEGAN~
1.)  I love Megan's voice. 
2.)  I love Megan's hair.
3.)  I love Megan's smile.
4.)  I love Megan's craziness.
5.)  I love Megan's ability to love.
6.)  I love Megan's Sims obsession.
BONUS: We all love Megan's pep talks.

~MIA~
1.)  I love Mia's humor.  
2.)  I love Mia's intelligence.
3.)  I love Mia's laugh.
4.)  I love Mia's drugged-up pig drawings.
5.)  I love how Mia is a nerd but not a geek.
6.)  I love Mia's handwritting.
BONUS: We all love how Mia is bold but doesn't know it.


It's amazing how time changes everything and people grow apart.  WOW.

  • Location:home
  • Mood:reflective

song for considration

  • Apr. 26th, 2008 at 10:27 PM

 Low - by Kelly Clarkson

Everybody's talking
But they don't say a thing
They look at me with sad eyes
But I don't want the sympathy
It's cool you didn't want me
Sometimes you can't go back
Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that

I just have to say
Before I let go

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

No, I don't need your number
There's nothing left to say
Except I never thought it'd hurt this much to be safe

My friends are outside waiting
I've gotta go

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

What you did was low
What you did was low
What you did was low

I walk out of this darkness
With no sense of regret
And I go without precautions
We both know that you can't say that
Just to show
For all the time I loved you so
So

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
When the truth came out
Were you the last to know
Were you left out in the cold
'Cause what you did was low

Have you ever been low
Have you ever had a friend that let you down so
'Cause what you did was low
  • Location:home
  • Mood:loving u with all my heart <3
  • Music:Low - by Kelly Clarkson

Everything: by Shamaya

  • Apr. 21st, 2008 at 1:49 PM

Every new beginning,
comes from some beginnings end.

Every time you kill me,
I am born again.

Every time you close that door,
Another door is opened.

And every time you say goodbye, 
a different word is spoken.

Every time you look at me
my back is facing you,

And every time you ask to see me
I'll have something else to do.

Every time I join your game,
You're not playing fair,

And every time I really love you,
I pretend that I don't care.

I read this today, and I had to post it. 
Ashlie ~{with love}~
  • Location:home
  • Mood:pained

so..........

  • Apr. 17th, 2008 at 6:36 PM

While other people become happier, I become more and more depressed.  This week has been pretty horrible, mostly because of people jumping down my throat and Nikko and his stupidity. 

I understand everyone has there days when they are super pissed off at the world, but I wish that anger wasn't taken out on me.  Everyone picks on me already because of my size, and it would be nice to not have others picking at me because they're having a bad day.  I kinda feel like a target that's used for target practice.  Life would be much more enjoyable if people weren't always pointing out my flaws.

Nikko is another reason that my week has been unbearable.  First he abuses my attempt at kindness and friendship, then he lies to me about what he did in my car, then today he asks me if I'm going to continue to not talk to him.  I told him yes because I'm pissed off.  I swear I almost hit him.  I do so much for him, and he doesn't appreciate it.  He is self-centered and egocentric, and as far as I'm concerned, we will never be friends again.

  • Location:home
  • Mood:empty

What do I Want?

  • Apr. 13th, 2008 at 6:23 PM

I am so happy that things are better between Meg and Josh because those two deserve each other.  And I am so happy that Brooke is happy with Nikko.  But I can't help but want more.  I mean, I'm happy on my own and everything, but I can't help but look at both of them and think, "Maybe life would be better if I had someone."   I just feel very... unwanted.  I would love to have someone who calls me at night just to wish me sweet dreams and tell me they love me.  I want someone who will just hold me.  I want more.  I know everyone says, "Just wait Ashlie.  Someone will come who will be perfect for you."  But how long do I have to wait?  I mean, I'm starting to think there's no one out there for me.  I know I'm just a teenager who has a lot of life left to live, but I don't think it's so so wrong to want someody to love me. 
  • Location:work
  • Mood:waiting impatiently

Okay

  • Apr. 9th, 2008 at 10:09 PM

It has taken me a while to come around to it, but now I realize how important you are to me.  Too important to let you slip away like this.  I have major trust issues, which inhibit me to forgive easily.  You see, all my life I've sat around and watched my mom leave people who weren't good for her, and then go right back.  And in watching all this, I always told myself that if anyone in my life hurt me, I wouldn't turn back.  I would let them go.  I also have problems trusting people because of my father and my feeling of abandonment, but that is a longer story.  All I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to learn to trust.  It's hard, but I'm trying.  I'm sorry for my anger towards you and for being so "unforgiving," but I don't know any other way to protect myself from being hurt.  I love you and I want to learn to trust and forgive.  And I'm starting with you.  You need space just tell me and I'll move away.  You need love just tell me and I'll be there.  I can't promise all of my flaws will be fixed right away, but I hope you know that I'm going to try.  Again, I love you and I'm sorry.

~ Ash {with love} ~ 
  • Location:home
  • Mood: hopeful

In Response

  • Apr. 8th, 2008 at 10:01 PM

All I want to know is what I do to make you feel that way about me.  And don't give me that bull shit about "that time of the year" and "stress."  Obviously I had to do something in the first place to make you feel that way.  So just tell what I did because right now I'm finding it hard to be your friend because I feel like you are just taking out your anger on me instead of having a valid reason for it.  Tell me.  What did I do??????????

  • Location:home
  • Mood: distressed

Ugh

  • Apr. 7th, 2008 at 9:46 PM

Terrible day.
Painful day. 
Full of distrust and ugly looks. 
Full of wanting to forgive but not being able to.
Wondering why life can't be simplier.
Wondering why I generate unhappiness and spread it around.
Painful day.
Terrible day. 
  • Location:home
  • Mood: sad

I don't need.....

  • Apr. 6th, 2008 at 8:24 PM

anyone to make me happy because I know I can make it on my own and I know I have a ton of respect for myself.  People who depend on others to make it through their day either lack personal strength or personal respect.  I'm saying all this because of people believing I am jealous of others.  I have no need to be jealous because I have no need for someone else to be complete.  Madea: "People are always saying, 'God, where's my man?' "God, where's my woman?' If you can't learn to be on your own, what the hell are you going to do with someone else?"  Think about that.  Good night.

trust

  • Apr. 6th, 2008 at 4:26 PM

I don't know who to trust,
My bridges have been burned. 
At one point I knew my place,
But now I've lived and learned.

I've learned that life is hard,
I've learned all is not what it seems.  
I've learned that giving is not enough
Even when you have the means.

I want to understand where you're coming from,
And you say that I should.
But I don't see what you see
and I don't think I ever could.

I feel like excuses have been made
Which you expect me to believe.
And maybe I am "unforgiving,"
But your words are hard to receive.

I don't know where to go,
I don't know who to trust.
I want to have our strong friendship,
But right now it feels like dust.
  • Location:home
  • Mood: crushed

Lost in Darkness

  • Apr. 6th, 2008 at 3:06 PM

Today I have began to question my true existence.  If you know me then you know how important friends and family are to me and how much I value their opinion about me.  However, today I found out that my two best friends feel like I get on their nerves and think of me as self-centered and unforgiving.  They also feel like I have no patience.  I feel like my life and the way I perceived it has been turned upside down.  I feel like best friends shouldn't feel that way about each other. I could cry about it some more, but I just don't have the energy for it.  I really don't know how to react and I feel like all of my best friends, excluding Chelsea, always doubt my intentions and my friendship.  I just feel very lonely and very lost. 
  • Location:home
  • Mood: and scared